


i’m not beautiful, no matter what you say

by nemuru_tamashi



Series: and they mess with our heads [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: (And him?? owo), (Seriously he’s really mean), (So is Jean), And is completely self-indulgent, Angst, Anxiety, BUCKETS OF ANGST, Based on.. past experiences, Cutting, Depressed Eren Yeager, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Heavy Angst, IT’S THE HARD KNOCK LIFE FOR US, M/M, Mean Reiner Braun, Mentions of Carla Yeager - Freeform, Mentions of Degrading, Mentions of Eren Yeager’s Parents, Mentions of Grisha Yeager - Freeform, Mentions of Jean Kirstein - Freeform, Mentions of Mikasa Ackerman - Freeform, Mentions of Reiner Braun, Mentions of him?? owo, READ. WITH. CAUTION., SORRY IF I MAKE ANYONE SAD WITH THIS HAHA, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Seriously this is really really heavy angst guys, Suicidal Thoughts, This is completely written for myself, Verbal Abuse, mentions of Armin Arlert - Freeform, mentions of abuse, psychological abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 00:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15449391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nemuru_tamashi/pseuds/nemuru_tamashi
Summary: and words can bring me down.





	i’m not beautiful, no matter what you say

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so, this is completely self indulgent. Written for myself, as a means to.. escape from reality, per se. You don’t need to know anything else. Please don’t ask questions targeted to me and how I relate to the Fic I’m sharing with you now. 
> 
> Dedicated to mysELF because this is similar to shit I’ve gone through and am still going through. Somehow, I’m not dead, so I guess this is a celebration Fic for that, lol.
> 
> Proceed with caution: If you didn’t read the tags, do it now. This is some heavy stuff here, man. I’m warning you.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan, or its characters. I simply put them in this little fillet of mine (I meant to type ficlet but it auto’d to fillet and I’m leaving it like that lmao).

_Pathetic_ , it whispers in my ear. I shudder.

_Look at you, so, so pathetic. Sitting on your bathroom floor, panicking for petty reasons and cutting your body to escape from the pain._

I could feel it curling around my body, grazing lightly over my bare shoulders and raising goosebumps on my already tingling arms.

 _It’s miserable, really,_ it continued. _That you give up so easily. You weren’t always like this, Eren, you used to be so strong. Where did that spark in your eyes go? Your passion and determination?_

Sliding, slipping, sloping down my body, light trails of red. Beaded, like tears, but so much more stunning. Thicker, too. It was a breathtaking sight.

_When did you give in, Eren? When did you finally realize that you weren’t worth it?_

Those shining, clear raindrops of sadness began to pour down my ugly face, landing into minuscule pools of blood to create a beautiful disaster.

_You are truly a waste of space. Of food, and drink. Of air. Of money. Of life._

I took the blade into my shaky hands, lifting it to my skin again for god doesn’t even _know_ what time.

_No one loves you, Eren, and they aren’t going to. Why would they? You’re a **monster**._

Pressed it into my skin. Slowly dragged it across my arm, stopping when I’m sure I’ve made at least a one inch incision.

_You always drive people away, even when you don’t want to. You trust them too easily, let them in too fast. When you do finally manage to start a good relationship with someone, you say something, you do something and you fuck it up._

_You always fuck everything up, don’t you, Eren?_

I could see blood quickly rising from the inside of the fresh wound. Watched it pour over and spill onto eager, awaiting skin.

_Tell me, Eren, have you ever fit in? Have you ever felt like you belonged somewhere?_

Raised the weapon again.

Press.  
Drag.  
Pull.  
Lift.

Repeat.

_It’s funny how many cuts you can make without people noticing. You’ve reached fifty before, all on one area of your body. One small, small patch of skin. You can do it again._

(Press, drag, pull, lift. Press, drag, pull, lift.)

_Everywhere you go, no matter how hard you search, hope, wish, and pray, you have never found one person- one person who wants to stick by your side. I know it for fact, Eren. I’ve seen everything that’s happened to you._

I could feel it nuzzle under my chin, chuckling at my patheticness and blowing on my face, mocking me to cry more. I rolled my head to the side, staring at the bathroom tiles with tearful eyes full of shame.

 _You can’t escape from me,_ it whispers in my ear. _You can’t get rid of me._

The tears begin to fall again.

 _You’re worthless. Pathetic. Weak. No one wants you. You aren’t smart. Or pretty. Or talented at anything- except wielding blades, I guess._ Another chuckle. _Speaking of which,_ it continues, and I could almost feel it tap my wrist- _why don’t you give in a little more?_ I looked at the blade and then the veins that were visible through thin layers of skin. _That’s right, Eren,_ it said. _All it takes is one smooth, deep cut._ I shiver again.

 _Cmon, you can do it,_ it encourages me _. It’s not like anyone would care if you were dead, right? Jean told you that you were just an experiment. A test. He never cared about you. Reiner, he abused you, remember? Broke up with you because you weren’t even fun to degrade anymore. Your father is too busy working to worry over you, your mother gave up years ago. Armin moved away and hasn’t even tried to make contact with you. And your sister Mikasa, she acts like you’re invisible- don’t deny it, you know it’s true. And what about him, hm? What did he say again? Oh, yeah-_

_“I can’t deal with you, Eren. It’s too much, you’re too much. You’re so negative and sad all the time. You bring everyone down and you can’t even bother to try and fix your attitude. I.. I really only dated you out of pity. I’m sorry, Eren. I can’t love you..”_

Ugly sobs tore their way out of my throat. I threw myself forward, pounding my fists on the tile. “SHUT UP!” I yelled. “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT _up_ …”

“Stop, please,” I whisper. “Make it _stop_ ,” I sob the last word.

 _Mm, that can happen, Eren. All you have to do is slice,_ it tells me.

I take the blade.

It really is simple..

(Press, drag, pull, lift.)

I.. could do it. I could end it all in minutes.

(Press, press, drag, pull, lift.)

It could all be over. No one would have to deal with me anymore.

(Press, press harder you _waste_ , drag, pull, pull farther, FARTHER, lift.)

I wouldn’t have to suffer. Everyone could finally be free of me.

(Press, press until it breaks skin, you can press harder than that and you _know_ it, drag, do it slowly, don’t want you to feel too good, pull, pull it farther, make it longer, _cmon_.)

I look between my wrist in the blade. Slowly, heart pounding and body trembling, I rest it over the biggest vein I could see. I press down.

(Press, drag, pull.)

(Press, drag, pull.)

(Press, drag, pull.)

And then I scream, hurling the blade across the room.

It’s gone.

Deep in my heart, I can feel lingering feelings of disappointment. Dissatisfaction. I know it isn’t happy with my decision. I honestly don’t know if I am, either.

Slowly, I stand up and step towards the sink. Turning on the water, I rinse the blood off of my arms.

I grab the first aid kit from the cabinet above the toilet. Reaching inside, I pull out the materials I need to patch up my arms. It’s so familiar to me at this point. Almost like a routine.

(Alcohol. Neosporin. Bandaid- not big enough, gauze roll. Wrap, roll, wrap, roll, tie.)

Once I’m finished, I put the kit away and stare at my reflection in the mirror.

_Ugly, pathetic, waste,_

I splash myself with water, wiping it on a nearby towel before shuffling out of the bathroom. Slipping on a pair of shoes, I head downstairs and grab my keys, locking the house as I walk out of it.

I walk to the park, my favorite place in this boring town. It’s small, and quiet (especially at this time, considering it’s three am), and makes for a peaceful place to calm down. It also has a beautiful view of the stars during the summer if you look up and away from reality.

It doesn’t take me long to get there, maybe five or ten minutes. I’m standing in front of the sign before I know it.

I make my way over to the swings, slumping down in my favorite one when I reach it. It’s the fourth from the left end, one away from the middle two. I didn’t know why, but I always felt drawn to it. Just.. being off to the side. Not in the middle, or on the end. It felt right.

I kick my feet against the ground a little, though not in any effort to use the contraption how it should be.

My eyes lift from the ground and I stare up at the sky, studying the lights amongst it.

 _Are you up there somewhere, Mom?_ I ask in my head. _I miss you. I hope you’re doing well. Please don’t worry about me._

I sense a shift in my surroundings and look around until I spot a figure walking towards me. As they got closer I could tell the person looked more male than female- though I wouldn’t assume anything. They had raven hair styled in an undercut, and grey eyes. Short in height, though they looked like they made up for the lack with muscle. And they were extremely attractive.

 _(No, NO. Do not go there. Walls, walls, Eren, we have walls for a reason,_ they hissed in my ear. _We have built these walls and we are not letting some handsome stranger knock them down!)_

The figure dropped into the swing beside me and I looked at them, tilting my head in curiosity. They gripped the chains in their hands and then looked at me, eyes flirting across my face and then the rest of my appearance. I suddenly felt a lot more self conscious than before.

Their eyes finally landed on mine again. “Rough night?” They asked.

“Y-yeah,” I said quietly, voice hoarse from sobbing and screaming. “I guess you could say that.”

They hummed before looking straight ahead. A moment later, they lifted their head to look at the stars, as I was earlier.

“Me too, kid,” they said. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> wHo is hE?? owo  
> You’ll never know. I don’t either, didn’t pick a particular character that I wanted Eren to be heart-shattered over. It’s really up to y’all to decide- tho I wouldn’t go with Levi since he comes in at the end of the story, lol.
> 
> Idk why I added him in, I guess it just.. felt right. I was going to end it with Eren in bed listening to sad music and crying, but I changed it for some unknown reason. I think I like it better this way, though. 
> 
> Btw, It and Them are different mindsets: It- anger, pain, sadness, death, negativity, destruction. Them- safety, protect, hope, optimism, alive, comfort. They’re both kind of like voices in one’s head, or different auras. They’re also both pessimistic, even though Them is a bit more positive than It. When eren was cutting himself, he was surrounded by It. Usually, it’s Them.
> 
> If you or anyone you know is in any kind of situation like this, don’t hesitate to reach out for help, please. You won’t regret it later, I’d know. Whether it’s family, friends, therapists, hotlines, or even me- just let someone know. It’s important.
> 
> If you see spelling or grammar errors, don’t be afraid to point them out. This wasn’t and isn’t going to be beta’d, as it was a complete spur of the moment thing. I needed to write it, so it’s here now. That’s all there was to it.
> 
> Reviews and kudos aren’t needed, but.. will be appreciated. So hit em up if you want to. 
> 
> Hope y’all.. actually I’m not gonna say enjoyed cause lmao, this was depressing af and since when is anyone happy after reading depressed fics?? (If that’s you then cool. It’s just not me.) But I hope you guys feel.. idk, satisfied? Sure, let’s go with that. 
> 
> Hit me up on my sicko social interaction platforms bro (I need friends):  
> Wattpad: nemuru_tamashi  
> Tumblr: nemuru-tamashi  
> Hangouts: FrannyJeager@gmail.com


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